There is A Butterfly Living in My Throat

There’s a butterfly that lives in my throat.

Its quite a mean little thing.

It flaps its wings and makes my heart race

And causes my ears to ring.

It chews on my teeth and swells up my eyes

And wakes me at night for a midnight surprise.

It pushes the hair right out of my head

It splinters my nails and fills me with dread.

I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m angry then nice.

I’m burnt up half the time, then cold as ice.

Its that insect in my neck you see

It does not want me to be me.

It stiffens my joints, it makes me fatigued.

It chokes off my air, it’ Simon LeGree.

It’s a mean little cuss, it swells up with pride

And laughs when my neck has lumps on its side.

When it gets frisky and flutters about

I shake like a leaf both inside and out.

I’ve called the doctor, I’ve taken the pills.

It calms the beast down, but he’s in there still.

It’s not always the same, every day’s something new.

Sometimes I wonder just what should I do.

But I hang on and press on, and I hope and I pray

That its wings will fall off or it’ll just go away.

That butterfly stinks but I do what I can

Perhaps I should call the pest control man.

~Unknown Author

This poem describes Grave’s Disease so well. Personally, I have not experienced all the symptoms above, but its been a journey I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

As 2021 came to an end, I reflected on all that happened this past year. It is a strange year, because while I have experienced some of my worst moments, I also have experienced the happiest moments in my life.

In February, to my surprise, I met my now wonderful amazing, God fearing fiancé. I really had not planned for this, but God likes surprises. It sounds so cliché, but His ways are so much higher than our ways.

March – April, my symptoms got really bad. I remember the week before Easter; I got tested for COVID before I could get other tests done. I was experiencing so much dizziness and I was so weak. I no longer had the strength to go on my daily walks with the girl I was babysitting. My attention span, thought process and memory were out the window. The uncertainty that I experienced was scary. I was convinced I was having an anxiety attack.

Finally, in May I was diagnosed with Grave’s Disease. It’ll take me a long time for me to forget May 18^th. It felt like the trajectory of my life changed in the period of an hour. I was put on immediate medical leave that lasted 1 – 2 months. These months were excruciating. I was exhausted, weak, lightheaded, taking daily naps, unable to sleep due to a racing heart, and experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions. I remember one morning, I dropped and broke a glass container and I cried. My emotions were so raw, and I felt like a toddler, unable to control them.

In August, my health was slowly getting better. I had a little bit more energy and I returned to work part time.

But yet, excluding my health challenges, it was a wonderful summer, filled with many memories that David and I made. I am sure you have seen our pictures! 🙂 From the time we met, my dear David has been so patient, caring and understanding. These characteristics shown during my sickness, was a huge confirmation that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. I remember a conversation we had early on. I asked him, why he continued our relationship even when I was sick. This was an affirming moment for me. He explained how the sickness I am experiencing is only temporary and that we aren’t promised an easy life, so we need to be there for each other through the good and bad times. God knew I wanted a man that was mature, a man that would ask and answer the hard questions, a man that made me laugh and I got all these and more!

September I started school and I was blessed with a Christian professor. It was a surreal experience to talk on the phone about spiritual matters; she even prayed for me. The first course of my Masters went well. It was in Sept., that I began losing handfuls of hair, another dreadful symptom of Graves. I began dreading washing my hair and I started having some bald spots. This hair loss lasted 4 months, thank God it just stopped recently.

The hair on the left was only a section of how much I lost per wash. On the right, is all the pills(including supplements) I take in the morning.

In October, I took a leap of faith and started playing soccer again. I had really missed it and I wasn’t sure if I was physically ready, knowing that I needed it for my mental health. It felt incredible to be back on the field. The first week, my body started complaining half way through the game, but with some stretching, things went uphill from there! I thank God for the outlet of soccer.

End of October, was a really high moment. Some of my thyroid levels were in range for the first time since I had been diagnosed and I was feeling amazing. I no longer was taking naps, which was a big deal. I was on the lowest dosage of medication I had ever been on. I finally felt that my health investments were beginning to pay off.

November came with my policy class and it was rough. The professor was hard on us and her style of teaching was stressful. She would start out classes with us discussing the news, which seriously began affecting my mental health. The policy world is a negative field, in general, because it mostly points out the flaws of the provincial and national policies and doesn’t mention the positive things that have been done. The assignments were out of my comfort zone, typically I don’t find writing a chore, but writing a policy brief did me in.

In the midst of the policies course came the excitement of getting engaged! I knew it was coming and I was expecting it at every turn, but David surprised me with the small and large details. It was an amazing moment!! I thank God for this man, he’s a precious gem!

The policy course ended and the following week was really rough. After the stressful course, I now rested and came to grips with the cancelation of my trip. I crashed. My Grave’s disease symptoms came back and I felt the same symptoms I had in April. My bloodwork results showed I had relapsed. I was heartbroken. It is interesting how just like the day I received the news I had Grave’s disease, David was presently with me again the day I was told I had relapsed.

I was so discouraged. The news made me feel like the work from the last 6 months, had all gone to waste. I was so excited to no longer take naps and I was hopeful to a new year of health and rebuilding my strength. But the news hit me, making me readjust some plans and ultimately rest. The night I got the news, David and I were at the theater, watching a Marvel movie. There was a statement in the movie, about trying too hard, and slowing down. David looked at me with these gentle eyes, and no words needed to be said. God has really been speaking to me about giving myself grace.

The gentleman that he is, he let me grieve and sob, and then he prayed for me. Sometimes I allow myself to imagine where I would be if I hadn’t had David on this journey. I would be in a very dark place and I definitely wouldn’t be doing well in school while simultaneously coping with Graves. God sent me a physical angel and I thank God for him!

Let’s be real, life is hard, but if this year has taught me something. It’s to be thankful for the people around me. David has been a Godsend, encouraging me and praying for me. My mom and Carl have seen a different Charmaine at times, but yet we are there for each other in the good and bad. I thank God for my friends, whom have allowed me to cry on the shoulder and finally we have encouraged each other.

Most of all, I am thankful for God. Even at my worst, when all I could pray “Help me God”, He was there and He carried me through some of the hardest moments of my life (up to date), when I felt so discouraged, rejected and hopeless.

Over Christmas and the beginning of January, I had lots of time to rest and this helped my thyroid numbers become regulated again! Praise God! Actually ALL of the numbers were in normal range, in Oct. compared to only some numbers being in range for the first time. This was a breakthrough moment for me.

Some of the months and moments in the last year are a blur, others are fresh on my mind; but today I make the choice to look forward and not give up, not on my own strength, but God’s. Recently I watched Captain Marvel (Yes, I am finally catching up on Marvel and I am loving it). I found the first half hard to follow, but I loved the last half. Captain Marvel was made a superhero for someone’s own selfish agenda, but once she accepted her story, she was unstoppable. She now used her powers for good, overcoming the evil around her. The story inspired me to fight this butterfly living in my throat. Acceptance is tough, but it makes us unstoppable. Satan hates it when we use his plans for good. But God never wastes our pain, he actually makes it beautiful! This process makes me think of the transformation of a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly!

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.”

~Genesis 50:19

Be Strong and Courageous

Whom do you think of as a strong woman or man? I think of Queen Esther from the Bible, Mother Theresa, my mom and the list continues. When we think of a strong individual, we admire their resilience in their life trials. We admire their faith in God.

These women have taught me what it means to be strong, with Jesus!

Let’s unpack what it means to be strong.

Strength – According to Oxford dictionary, strength is the capacity of an object or substance able to withstand great force or pressure.

I have been reading Lord of The Rings and Frodo is a very good example of someone who is strong. He embarks on this excruciating journey and at every corner he meets animosity! Here are a few lessons we can take from him.

1. Being strong does not mean perfection. We will make mistakes.

2. Being strong means when we fall down, we get back up again.

3. Being strong means having a support system that encourages and challenges you. We cannot fight life’s battles alone!

4. Life’s adventures come with sacrifice – physical resources, dreams, friends and family

Stop for a moment and think of a past or current challenge. Isn’t scary and hard? Hang on and be encouraged!

Frodo – “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened”. Gandalf – ” So do all who live to see these times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

We all have felt burdens that were bigger then us – it’s called life’s challenges

This is where ones true faith in God is seen and/or tested. The words that we have been reading in the Bible are now being questioned and challenged. We are left asking hard questions, which are not all answered. Previously our spiritual muscles have been growing and now we are using them and they are being stretched.

Being strong is not having an easy life. Being strong is facing the battle head on and recognizing that I can’t do this alone. Being strong is asking for help, from God and others. Being strong is making mistakes and taking responsibility for them. Being strong is making healthy boundaries and not walls. Being strong is forgiving when you have been wronged.

And let’s be real, this isn’t manageable, at least not by ourselves. We don’t have the physical, emotional, spiritual strength. It is God who fights for and with us!

In Joshua 1: Joshua is called to lead the Israelites after Moses death. Joshua was now supposed to take on a job to lead thousands or probably millions of people.

Jesus mentions fear multiple times in Joshua 1 on different references and says that He will take care of Joshua. This gives me a hint, that Joshua must have been shaking in his boots. Why would Jesus repeat on multiple references that Joshua should be courageous and not fear? Although, I don’t understand how Joshua shouldn’t be afraid, but Jesus was reminding him that He’s got his back!

We all experience fear, it’s normal and fear doesn’t eliminate courage. It actually is a part of courage.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” Nelson Mandela

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go”
1 Joshua: 9

So this means when we are weak, with God’s strength, we can be strong. I had a friend once tell me that I was strong. It was a during a season that I felt so weak – emotionally and physically. I didn’t feel strong, in fact I felt quite the opposite, but yet somehow I kept moving. Even if it was a dance – one step forward and 2 steps back.

In the end somehow God uses our pain and trials for good. This doesn’t diminish our pain, but it does give us purpose.

I understand, you may feel nothing from strong right now, but I encourage you to get up and slowly but surely move forward! And if you do that my dear reader, you are strong!

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong” 1 Corinthians 16:3

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13

Pause and Be Still

New Years Eve, I was expectant and hopeful! 2021 will be better than 2020! 2021 will make everything better, right?! Personally it started off rough, if it wasn’t one thing, it was another. 2021 came in on the wrong foot, but it’s not the beginning of something that counts, it’s the finish and what happens in the process. I believe God has good things in store for me this year and that gives me hope.

Thank you to my Aunt Lorrie for this beautiful piece! It’s perfect for my little prayer corner!

This past year, life has been different then I had anticipated, but God has used this year to teach me how to pause and listen to His quiet small voice!

In the midst of this chaos, called life, God has been reminding me to look up! More than ever, I appreciate my nature walks. It’s amazing how in a 10 minute walk, God can show me a beaver, birds, ducks, a rippling brook and a river. These are His whispers to me. “I care about every detail in your life”!

Thank you to whoever painted these encouragements!

At work, I have been potty training the youngest. For my first experience, I am quite impressed! One day, she surprised me and did it all by herself! I told her “I am so proud of you” and her response was so sweet. She comes in and gives me a hug and says “I love you so much”. Even on the weekends, she asks if “Charmaine” is coming. With her, it was a quick connection, but it was different for the oldest boy. He finds change hard and I thank God for how far we have come. He still has his days, but he definitely makes up for them. The other day, on our ‘run’, the two of them where holding hands. I was taking a picture and he is reaching his hand back and here we were, the threesome, hand in hand. I love these kids. God has me at this place for a purpose and I pray that it will come into completion. These moments are a whisper from God – “My daughter, I love you” “I have called you to something that is bigger than yourself”!

I hear His voice in the spring noises and smells. I hear it when I wake up hearing the birds sing. I love seeing flowers, bud and open up after the hard winter! I hear His voice, when I have the opportunity to go to the soccer field on a gorgeous day and practice my goal kicks. I hear His voice when I have the energy to go on bike rides with the children at work! I hear God saying “I created my nature for your pleasure”!

There is something about cute rain boots on a rainy day!

My happy place! I can’t wait to play again this summer!

I hear His voice in the budding and strengthening of friendships. God knew we couldn’t go through life alone, so He sent us friends and family. In a period of a week, I had like 5 friends reach out to me. I hear God whispering, “You are not alone”, “You are loved”!

‘Finding Beautiful’ – Rebecca Friedlander and ‘Always Know’ – Melinda Estabrooks are books that are so refreshing in this season. The testimonies and encouragements are so timely. And once again, God is whispering “You are beautiful, loved and valued”!

Has life been stressful? Do you doubt your purpose or why you are here? Are you overwhelmed?

God loves you for who you are! You are beautiful, loved and valued!

“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. he will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

Pause and see God in the small things, because just like the Sun is always there, God is always with us too! At times we feel Him right beside us and other times, we need to be intentional about seeing Him in our daily lives!

I loved catching this sun ray, but I am so glad we don’t have snow anymore!

400 Years

2020 – it’s been a year, but it feels like its been years! But at least it’s not 400 years of silence.

Years after the creation and the fall of man, the prophets prophesied the coming of Jesus, but they didn’t know, He wouldn’t come for awhile. Generations were passing the good news down to their children and their children’s children and so forth. But they kept waiting.

Then they had 400 long years of God’s silence. He didn’t speak through prophets and dreams. There was spiritual darkness. I can imagine the doubt and unbelief. Did the prophets actually say the Messiah was coming, maybe they made it all up or imagined the whole thing. Yes, the Messiah was coming, but from Creation to the birth of Jesus, it was 4000 years in the making. The world was dark and broken. The rabbis and spiritual leaders followed the Torah rules, but they couldn’t heal the world. Only the Savour could do that!

Then Jesus, our Saviour, came in the form of a baby! He broke through the darkness.

Around the age of 33, Jesus finally fulfilled His biggest purpose, dying on the cross for our sins.

We no longer are waiting for our Messiah, He has come. He is Emmanuel – God with us!

It’s been a hard year, but this year more than ever Christmas is a season of hope! He hasn’t forsaken us, He isn’t silent, even if it feels like it sometime. Just look at it, why did the Bethlehem Star happen this year? That is one of many reminders that God is working amidst this darkness!
Merry Christmas!

Night Vision

Two weeks ago, I had a wisdom tooth extracted. It needed to come out, because it was getting infected. It was very painful, but my personal pain somehow diminished, considering the pain of my family and friends during this unprecedented time.

A healthy woman battle COVID for the second time and we thank God that she is now on a recovering journey.

An estimated 40 – 60 million people being pushed back into poverty after years of humanitarian aid.

Christians being brutally persecuted for their faith.

Families ripped of their lives when the hurricane hit.

This is only the tip on the iceberg, but all this news broke me. I was so discouraged.

• 

• 

• 

But then I picked up a book, that I had started in Spring. Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere. I read the Chapter where she talks of how lions live in the light and hunt in the dark.

The lioness is not afraid to sleep anywhere during the day. She is resting, gaining energy for hunting at night. She lives in the light! She knows that no enemy can hurt her, because she is powerful and strong.

Doesn’t this sound wonderful to live in the light? To not be ashamed of our faith and who we are in Christ? To not live in fear and shame?

To live life open handed. What does that mean? I don’t fully understand what that means, but God is slowly revealing it to me. It is living in community with our fellow believers, a place where we are encouraged and admonished. To willingly give of our time and money to help loved ones and those in need. To love, even when we don’t have the same views. If you want to learn more read the Bible and you will find a more comprehensive version of living open handed! Oh God help me to Love and Live like You!

Now here is the interesting part – Lionness’ have night vision. Its not that simple though, in complete darkness, they are as blind as a bat, no seriously they are blind, they can’t see.

But when the stars are twinkling and the moon is glistening, they can see their enemy and hunt it down! How? They have an unique ability that helps them capture, refract and then reflect light. So even the smallest fraction of light is transformed into sight. She then is able to kill her breakfast.

We are living in hard times and the darkness seems so blinding and sometimes I ask where is the Light? Where is God in all of this?

Before COVID hit, we were living in the day. For the average, life was relatively easy in North America. Yes, we had our struggles, but for the majority, we didn’t understand the definition of hardship. Life was pretty good.

But then COVID hit and we entered a type of darkness, surrounded by so much sadness. WHO(World Health Organization estimates COVID will push 40 – 60 million people back into poverty, undoing years of humanitarian service. People are dying and being affected by a sickness that is serious. People are losing jobs and their means of livilihood The list goes on.

God is asking us to get our night vision on! What are we consuming? Are we reading the news more than the Word. This doesn’t mean we should block out the reality, but use wisdom.

“When we think more about pandemics and politics than about Jesus, Jesus influences our conduct less than before. But when we think about Jesus, other differences between us fall into perspective.” -David Campbell

What are we speaking? Our words have power. Thats how God spoke the world into being and that is one way we can bring hope to our world.

“The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences” ~ Proverbs 18:21

This requires our perspective to shift. Are we letting the darkness around us to blind us, or are we focusing on the Light – God. Once I looked at what seemed like only a glimmer of light, I was humbled. I realized I had taken my focus off of God and I needed to shift my perspective. That’s when something changed, not the circumstances around me, but I changed. I now was looking through God’s eyes. And when we look through God’s eyes it also moves us to be the light, by helping our neighbors both locally and abroad!

This is a hard lesson, that takes more than a lifetime to learn. I am someone when I see injustice, I want to bring justice, not today, but like yesterday. I hurt when people hurt, probably even more than when I hurt. Like I heard in a song, I only have two hands. But I serve a God who has many hands all over the world. When we ALL use these hands that we’ve been given, we then will see His Kingdom come and His will be done!

“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.”

2 Corinthians 4:9

The Healing Process

On the outside our bodies may look healthy and strong, but inside our body is sick with infections, inflammations, ulcers, tumors, etc. We look good on the outside, but we are SICK!

The only way sickness and illnesses can be identified is through tests – CT scans, blood samples, X-rays, colonoscopy, mammograms, etc. Now the treatment can begin.

Disclaimer: the treatment isn’t guaranteed to always be pain free!

Usually the treatment may include a round of antibiotics, but there is a problem with antibiotics. They not only kill the bad bacteria, but they also kill the good bacteria, which is necessary for fighting other infections.

In June, during quarantine, I had a rough month with some bad pain. Antibiotics was only the beginning of my ongoing treatment. Being sick gives one too much time to think and I was thinking of the similarity of sickness and antibiotics in our spiritual lives.

We look fine on the outside, in fact our friends think we have it all together, but the truth is we are SICK. We’re holding onto bitterness, abuse, neglect, pride, selfishness, control, list goes on. We paste our faces with smiles, hiding our excruciating pain!

The thing is we don’t need to be in pain or at least not alone! Just because I am a child of God it doesn’t make me invincible to life. We need God and people!

God, He may come in the form of people, instead will walk with us, carrying us if necessary! He’ll do an x-ray of our bones, mammogram on our heart, only for our files, because He is Omniscience – He knows everything!

He wants us to be healthy and gives us antibiotics(not killing the good), along with a handbook on how to prevent and treat the sickness, The Bible!

Every healing journey is different, so do what is necessary for your journey. Sometimes, we feel worse, before we get better. The 10 days that I was taking 2 different kinds of antibiotics, they made me feel terrible for at least 30 minutes to an hour after I took them. This is typically how it feels when God is treating our unforgiveness, shame, fear, pride, control and selfishness in our lives. There are situations that we need to revisit our past experiences, but this will be different in every situation.

There are some universal steps in every healing journey. Acceptance is one of those. Accepting the experience or event, doesn’t mean it was right, but its releasing you from the experience’s power. This takes time and that is okay!

It is through this process that we find joy, peace, restoration, comfort, freedom and life. Who doesn’t want that! God has called us to abundant lives(John 10:10), so give Him your pain today! God also uses people, so stay connected to your church body and if you need to, see a therapist!

The past is a part of our story, but it doesn’t have to define our story! Your story is not only your story, it also will help someone else heal one day!

Choose Healing!

 

 

I am only Human

‘Maybe we could never be perfect people, but maybe that’s ok
Maybe we could never be oh so flawless, in every single way
Maybe that’s what makes us human, that’s what makes us feel
Maybe that’s what makes us humans, know that grace is real’

Human ~ Holly Star featuring Matthew Parker

More and more over the years, I have realized what a perfectionist I am. This results in a struggle to give grace not only to others, but to myself. I strive to be perfect and we all know, that is impossible. We aren’t angels.

Unconsciously and consciously this pandemic has affected all of us. Some of us were temporarily laid off and others permanently. Children are at home every day and required to to homeschool. Others are working more, sacrificing their health and well-being for you and me.

I thought I was handling this whole thing well. I was trusting God and praying for the people around me and myself. I actually was getting more time with God, which has resulted in a closer relationship with Him!

But then I was beginning to get tight in my neck and shoulders, which usually means I am carrying stress. I also was having bad headaches! I then realized that I wasn’t handling things as well as I thought.

I think it’s a given that our emotions have been all across the scales and that is okay! It’s okay to feel frustrated and sad, but let’s not stay there. When we feel frustrated, sad, angry, etc unfortunately we usually take it out on the people closest to us.

I knew I was proud, but this was a huge reminder. I wanted to be in control, because obviously I couldn’t control whats going on around me. I wanted things to go my way.

I am babysitting for a couple that’s been working from home. When I started, the 12 month old was only taking 2, thirty minute naps. From my past experiences with children, I knew this might change.

She started having longer naps, at least one nap, that was at least an hour long, sometimes longer! The parents were amazed and wanted to replica my steps. Well, one of my steps is praying for her. The mother went to church as a child and so she knows about prayer and responds ‘Oh so it’s the power of prayer’. I knew God had me babysitting this girl for a special purpose!

Well, a few days after things went downhill. I now needed to take her for a stroller ride for her to sleep. I was discouraged, what happened? I was reminded that it’s not about me, it’s about God!

So this is when I began praying the fruits of the spirit(Galatians 5:22-23 ) over myself again. I needed God! Without the dream giver, we can’t fulfil or even use our dream effectively.

Also at home, some of my remarks weren’t kind or respectful. Being in the same house with the same people, brings out the best and worst in us or at least for me.

God help me extend grace

Then I read some things that hit me. I can only become strong when God deals with my weaknesses(2 Corinthians 12:9).

I have read like 5 books and counting, during this quarantine and 2 of them have been about Gracia and Martin Burnham. They were taken hostage in the Philippines by a terrorist group. They were in the hands of heartless killers. That year was a nightmare. Martin Burnham spoke of how this experience showed him how selfish and prideful he was, because of how he was bitter and spiteful at these guys. I was like ‘What?’ He’s not in the wrong, its the terrorists. They are the ones that are depriving them of all basic necessities. But we are all human and its in the hardest times that we see how human we are. Unfortunately, he didn’t come out of the jungle alive and his wife survived to tell the story.

And then in her second book ‘To Fly Again’, she talks about a contrite spirit. God loves a contrite spirit. Contrite means broken. So she gave the illustration of a broken cracker. It’s been broken into many pieces, it can’t be put together again! When we are at our lowest is when we realize that we can’t do it on our own and that is when God shows up and works. Many times I think I have things in control, until something goes wrong and then I screw up.

I’ve been reading my journals and it’s bringing good and bad memories back. I’ve asked myself why I made some painful decisions and I am disappointed in myself. I wish I would have taken time to inquire what God truly wants and not just what I want.

I’m human, broken and in need of God!

We are all human and we make mistakes. During this time, we need to acknowledge what we are feeling, because it’s real. And after you have allowed yourself to feel, give it all to God and live in His strength. He is big enough for us! He’s got the whole world in His hands!

God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. 

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
    God will help her when morning dawns.

Psalms 94:1-5

Soccer and Life

It was a night like one sees in the movies! My team tied the game in the last 2 minutes and then it was time for a shootout! Round 1, 2, and 3 we were still tied, but in Round 4, I made the game winning save. In Round 5, nothing changed!

We had won the semi – finals!! 🙂 🙂

This soccer season has been a real learning experience for me. This was the first time I had played on a team, meaning I had a lot to learn. There were times, I would pick up the ball when a teammate had passed it to me which is AGAINST THE RULES.

The first games we played as a team, were discouraging. I hadn’t played goalie in an official size net in a long time and I had a lot of ground to cover, literally! 😉 My team didn’t know each other and so we lost terribly. My competitive spirit didn’t like this, but to everything, there is a humble beginning

There was a fear in me that needed to be dealt with and God decided to use soccer. We would play teams that were just guys, as a lady goalie that intimidated me. I loved proving them that ladies can play goalie, too, but I had to work on the thoughts I entertained.

That’s when I realized that sports is a mind game. Our emotions, negative or positive, will affect one’s game. So when these ‘guy only’ teams would start shooting, I was afraid and of course they scored over and over again.

I started praying over myself and my team, I know this sounds spiritual, but hear me out. I prayed that instead of letting fear control me, I would play for God and play for fun! This was very effective! Last Sunday’s game was a result of that.

I knew the team was good. We had tied them once and another time we had lost 4-6. This time I chose peace over fear. I calmly prayed and prepared for the game. I even was ready to accept loss. With this mindset, I played better. I ran out of the net confidently and ready to stop that ball from entering our net. Now it wasn’t me, it was God helping me to play boldly and confidently.

Fear is a subtle thing. So my team scored in the last 2 minutes of the game and I was overjoyed! I thought that we kept on playing until someone scored, but to my dismay it was time for a shootout. This was my first time playing in a league and now I had to face a shootout?! All that confidence from earlier was gone. I wanted someone else to take my place, but my team encouraged me.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

2 Timothy 1:7

I calmly walked to the net, whispered a prayer and stood ready as could be. I prayed that God would help me to stop at least one of the shots. If you play soccer, you know that shootouts are difficult, especially for the goalie. Well after letting in a few, I dive and I blocked the ball. I was shocked, but over joyed! 🙂

I stood up, but I couldn’t walk. I had twisted my ankle as I fell from the dive.

So here I am writing this, keeping my foot iced and elevated, but at least I helped my team reach the finals! I won’t be able to play in the finals, but I’m okay with that!

As I left that night, I almost cried, not because of the pain I was in, but because of joy. I really didn’t expect to reach this far, but more than this God had helped me overcome my fears and He had helped me stay calm through a high pressure game. Through these practical lessons, He was teaching me something bigger. 

1. Love Changes Everything – When I know that my coach, Jesus, loves me no matter what happens, on the field of life, it changes how I play. He loves me even if my game is off and I let in some goals. It decreases the pressure! God loves us no matter what and we can’t serve Him more or try to gain His favor or we may try, but it just makes us tired. He loves us unconditionally! He loves me even in my mess.

“The Lord your God is in your midst; a mighty one who will save. He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by his love; He will exult over you with loud singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17 

1. ‘Shake it off’ means Grace – This ones hard. After the ball whizzes past us and into the net, we need to shake it off. Extend grace to yourself and others, because we all are human and we all make mistakes. Due to my high expectations on myself and on others, this is a hard one for me to learn. This does not mean we can justify sin and do it again. After Jesus extended grace to the lady who committed adultery in John 8, He told her to go and sin no more.

Love and Grace are two powerful things. I am slowly coming out of 2 lies

1. The more I serve, pray and read the Bible(all very important things) the more God will love me.

2. When I sin, God loves me less.

These are the truths I am believing instead:

Love and Grace

“But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.”

Psalms 86: 15

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast.”

Romans 2:8-9

Love is the most powerful thing. There is the misconception that if we just concentrate on a Loving God, sin will continue to reign. But actually if I love God, I want to obey him. Obedience is a response to love!

And even when I mess up, God still loves me and He extends grace and forgiveness. God loves me even in my mess! God loves us, no strings attached!! 

Promises

Remember that promise? A toy as a child, a dream job, education, love, a miracle child, the list goes on.

Some promises have been kept, but others were broken and have gone with the wind. These unkept promises can bring pain, disappointment, hurt and even mistrust. A loved one promised you something and they didn’t keep their word.

Today, I am writing of someone who keeps His EVERY promise and that is God.

His Promises are YES and AMEN! When can I go back to this warm weather?

A year ago, I was preparing to leave the people that I have grown to love. It was heartbreaking. I thought I was only coming home for 6 months to year, really not understanding God’s plan in all this. Here I am and it is almost a year later and I have no certain plans of returning to Kenya/Africa yet. This is disappointing and I begin to doubt God’s plan for me here in Waterloo and His purpose for me being home. I begin believing lies that I don’t belong and even not fully believing in the Sunday school ‘God loves me’.

I am discouraged, groping in the dark, trying to understand. But slowly i am waking up to the reality that I am believing lies and instead, I need to speak God’s promises over myself. So many people I love dearly have at one point in my life broken a promise, but there is one and only that has not. That is my God, my Father and my Creator.

I am LOVED – Zephaniah 3:17, Psalms 36: 5

I am CHOSEN – Deuteronomy 7:6, 1 Peter 2:9

I am TREASURED – Deuteronomy 26:18

I am FREE – John 8:36

I will never be ALONE – Hebrews 13:5

I am a CHILD of GOD – 1 John 3

I have heard and said these things to others too many times to count. I have said it to children that are in dark situations, but here I am needing to hear them. Who else struggles with sometimes believing these promises?

Recently, I was at a Worship night and it was a HUGE reminder of who God is and who I am in His sight.

‘I am chosen, not forsaken; I am who you say I am’

‘I’m no longer a slave to fear; I am a child of God’

`Way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God that is who you are.`

Now promises are not fulfilled on our own timeline, they may take days, weeks, months or years to come to pass, but yet God’s promises are yes and Amen(2 Corinthians 1:20). He is painting our picture and putting our puzzle together, piece by piece. Some areas need more time than others, but yet His promises will come to pass in His time.

His ways are PERFECT(Psalm 18:30, 2 Samuel 22:31), even when we don`t see the full picture.

Look at Abraham. God promised him and his wife a child in their old age. They were past their child bearing years, and obviously it was hard for them to believe that they would have a child. Doubting, Sarah took matters into her own hands and consequently her servant had a child. God had promised a child to Abraham and Sarah and even this act of disobedience would not stop God from keeping His side of the deal. Isaac was born 25 years after God’s promise.

Is it hard waiting? Oh boy is it hard, but I am sure of one thing, God will keep His Promise!

 

 

Winter Ponderings

I bundle up in my warm parka, gloves, hat and scarf. I step out the door and there is like 4-5 inches of snow. Its a laid back evening so I decide to clear the driveway so that there is less to clear in the morning. Its gently snowing. The street lights are shining softly on the surrounding homes. Its a winter wonderland. I hear a vehicle spinning cause the road isn’t in the best driving condition, but other than that its peaceful.

As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I thought I must be crazy thinking such.

A couple weeks later:

I spent hours picking and shoveling ice off the driveway. The sun was shining, melting the thick layer of ice, making it easier and more enjoyable somehow. My muscles begin to tell me that I am not used to this kind of work, but I kept going. It was hard work, but at least the sun was shining(something that has been rare these days).

 

A year ago, I was making the hard decision of returning to Ontario and here I am pondering how my life has changed. This past week was a harsh reminder that I am in Ontario. Two storms in 2 weeks, cold weather, no sunshine, bad driving conditions – all things that I am not used to after being away for 5 1/2 years. And its been hard to keep a positive attitude about it. God’s still working on that one.

But then tonight, I force myself to thank God. So I began thanking Him that I am home to hold my 6th nephew/niece, Jaxson, and how glad I am. I thank Him for a warm house and blankets. I thank Him for life and health. Sometimes one needs to change one’s attitude and I think, I’ll need to do a little more of that around here.

The past year has surprisingly been good mixed with some thorns of course. I have been blessed with God’s provision of work, a wonderful church family, special moments with my family and finding new friends.

I also had the opportunity to visit Kenya and my dear friends there. It was strange to go back as a visitor, but yet it was relieving to not have as much responsibility. It was hard to go back and realize that God doesn’t want me there right now. It was a confirmation that I am to be in Canada for such a time as this.

I told the children ‘goodbye’ and that God has a different chapter for me now. It was tear wrenching for me to say these words. I have seen them pass through the hard and good and now we are parting ways. These children have taught me to be an older sister and a closer follower of Jesus.

Walking the dusty streets with a girl that I have seen sick and so weak, was so refreshing. She had such a concern for me, asking me questions about home and how I was doing. She always tells me that she prays for me and loves me. She was one that I would plead to God to save her life, cause she is too young to die. And God has heard my prayer. She dreams of becoming a Doctor and I strongly believe that she will be a Doctor one day.

Witnessing a boy receive a prize for performing well in school almost brought tears to my eyes. He’s not just any boy. He used to not speak or write. He was restless and had a very low self esteem. But God has given him hope. His name has been changed to miracle. Today he quotes Bible verses, leads worship songs and is maturing into a young man.

Having the opportunity to teach young and open hearts about Jesus is always fun and challenging. This year, we had a larger class and so we were kept on our toes. I left early because I was going to celebrate my friends wedding and the children told me not to leave. It was hard to leave before the camp had ended, but it also was very important for me to be at my friends wedding. But than one clever child pipes up and says, “Mwalimu, ukienda, uende salama/Teacher, if you have to go, have a good trip.”

 

These children have such a special place in my heart and seeing them grow into mature and Godly young men and women is what I desire.

I thank God for the successful trip: seeing the children, visiting friends, Stella’s wedding and picking my school certificate.

It was wonderful to be home in Kenya, but I also was ready to return to my Canada home. So here I am in Waterloo and I am serving God here for this time. Obedience and trust is a hard thing to put into action, but yet there are blessings that follow.

Life has changed, but God hasn’t. Tonight I choose to rest in that!